The Trials and Tribulations of Krystal Foxx
by ponytail-thorin
Summary: Krystal Foxx's biggest dream has always been to visit Middle Earth. However, her actual experience is less than satisfactory. Crack!fic, Mary Sue bashing.


**The Trials and Tribulations of Krystal Foxx**

* * *

The noise of hooked Orc swords clashing with shields filled the air as Krystal stepped out of the beam of light. Her luminous purple eyes (with golden flecks) widened at the carnage before her.

"The Last Alliance of Elves and Men!" She breathed in a breathless voice.

"Eh? What was that?" Next to Krystal stood a dirty, smelly yet still vaguely attractive man, possibly a Ranger. "Speak up, lass."

"Oh, good sir, my name is Krystal Amber Shimmer Kourtney Glimmer Jewel Tamlynn Destiny-" The rest of Krystal's name was lost as an Orc decided to bury its axe into her neck. The Ranger didn't blink an eye at her abrupt death, just as he hadn't paid any attention to her even more sudden arrival.

* * *

It was terribly unfortunate that Pippin and Merry decided to release the dragon firework just as a beam of light appeared from the top of the tent they were in. Pippin caught sight of Krystal's luminescent purple eyes widening in horrific understanding before she was impaled by the explosive.

Some minutes later, a small shower of brain matter fell over the Shire, some falling into the bowl Pippin was cleaning. Through his heaving, Pippin noticed that the brain matter was an interesting shade of turquoise.

* * *

The rolling plains of Rohan stretched before the three hunters as they continued to run, the ground pounding beneath their feet. Legolas glanced up at the sky, noting its unusual colour.

"A red sun rises." Legolas said mysteriously. "Blood has been spilt this- wait, what's that?" His companions looked in the direction of Legolas' gesture and shrugged. Well, Aragorn shrugged. Gimli simply collapsed on the ground, gasping for breath.

"It is beyond me, mellon nin." Aragorn said, ever keen to practise his Elvish. "Perhaps it is a bird?"

"It is not a bird, you blind imbecile. What bird do you know of that is made of pure, white light and is cylindrical in shape?" Aragorn only made a confused sound in reply.

As Legolas continued to stare, a silhouette appeared in the beam. "Uruk!" He cried, reaching for one of his arrows from his never-ending supply. Taking aim, he fired and watched as his arrow flew with precise precision towards the figure. His vision abruptly cleared and Legolas realised that it was not an Uruk – it was a young girl! Even from this distance, he could see her incandescent purple eyes shining in the sunlight.

"Legolas! My soon-to-be husband! My love! My- not again!" Legolas watched in horror as his arrow struck true and pierced the flawless forehead of the young maiden, who fell with a garbled cry.

Aragorn looked up at Legolas. "So, mellon nin. Was it a bird?"

* * *

The snow swirled in the biting wind on the topmost peak of Caradhras as the beam of light deposited a scowling figure into a deep snowdrift. Her purple eyes glowed with anger.

"This isn't funny anymore!" The girl screamed at the sky, waving her fist in fury as she continued to curse.

Unfortunately for Krystal, she was so preoccupied with yelling at the clouds that she did not notice the still-smoking corpse of the Balrog. She tripped, lost her footing, and promptly fell to her death.

* * *

"Run, Mister Frodo, run!" Sam bellowed from the relative safety of the Brandywine ferry.

"Aaaaah!" Was Frodo's reply as he sprinted towards his friends. The Black Riders chasing him continued to chase him, unmoved by the touching scene unfolding before their eyes (if they even had eyes).

Luckily for Frodo, their progress was hampered by a beam of pure, white light descending from the heavens. From the beam emerged a girl with slightly ragged clothing and rather tousled hair. Her shimmering purple eyes blazed with righteous fury as she screamed at the top her lungs, spun on her heels and legged it for the ferry. "Wait for me!"

Frodo had already made it onto the ferry and the other hobbits, seeing the Riders were now preoccupied, began pushing the ferry downstream and away from their pursuers. Krystal ran, arms outstretched as she swore at them.

She leapt for the ferry. She landed in the river and was immediately held under the water by the surging current.

She never resurfaced.

* * *

The horn of Gondor sounded loudly, drawing friend and foe alike to its owner. Said owner dropped the horn, swearing colourfully.

"That's the _third_ freaking time I've called for them. What's taking them so long? I thought elves are supposed to be bloody swift on their feet!" Naturally, the language he used was a little more adventurous. He decapitated yet another Uruk, before he was distracted by a flickering beam of pure, white light in the corner of his eye.

Lurtz, seizing his opportunity, fired his first arrow and cheered when it met its target. Boromir sunk to one knee, cursing beams of white light; orcs; slow, fat elves and the general world.

"Not again! Can't you sick bastards at least dump me somewhere with decent hygiene? I mean, it can't be _that_ hard, right? Honestly- Boromir!" Even through his hair and sweat marring his vision, Boromir could still see the iridescent purple eyes gazing worriedly at him from across the clearing.

"If you're going to stand there, lass, could you at least make yourself useful?" Boromir groaned, clutching at his chest in pain.

"Well, of course!" Krystal hurried to Boromir's side, but in her haste, her feet betrayed her for the second time and she tripped over a protruding root.

The following _snap_ was enough to make even Boromir gag. He glanced back, and although Krystal's chest was pressed against the ground, her eyes still glared at the sky. Boromir shrugged, another arrow finding its way into his chest.

"She wasn't useful anyway." He moaned through the pain.

* * *

The Eye of Sauron surveyed his glorious realm. It was a truly beautiful realm, and he was confident that his many, many minions would wipe out the small band of puny humans that had the _audacity_ to come here and threaten _him_!

A searing pain jolted him back to reality. He spun around to look at the entrance to Mount Doom. To his horror, the volcano was exploding and there were two tiny figures running for safety.

He became aware of a cracking and crunching noise and with a lurch, he began to fall. He looked around frantically, searching for assistance. He couldn't be… collapsing!

A beam of pure, white light wasn't enough to distract him from his agony. However, he did notice when he came eyeball to eyeball with two small purple eyes. The human opened her mouth in a wordless cry as she slowly melted from the heat of his eye.

He would've shouted in disgust, had he reclaimed his body.

From the Black Gate, Gandalf heaved a sigh of relief. "Two great enemies have been vanquished today."

* * *

**AN: Heyy! Thanks for reading!**

**Thanks to TheMusicalDevil for co-writing this with meh :)**

**Please fav and review (please?)**

**Fav = Legolas teaches you how to shoot Krystal, review = partying with the Fellowship (and Company) and hitting piñata Krystals with sticks all day**

**~BlackestSlytherin xxx (and TheMusicalDevil)**


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